If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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