Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
