If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
