I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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