overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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