So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
