im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We have started to decorate penises.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
