Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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