i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
