The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
