I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
