Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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