The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
