i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
