the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
