I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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