he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
