kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I will pee on everything he values.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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