i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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