I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
