I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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