sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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