Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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