So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
