When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
