Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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