When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
