I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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