Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
