the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
