ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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