Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My penis needs a shock collar
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
