I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
