I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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