dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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