I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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