you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
