12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
