sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
