you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
