Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
