every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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