Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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