The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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