seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
