you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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