i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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