all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
