is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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