There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
