My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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