i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
