That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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