God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
