Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
