Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
