you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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