Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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