weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Found the puke drawer
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
