Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
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